6. Ready, Steady, DATE ?

Well, I thought I was firmly back in the dating saddle, boots strapped on, sugar lumps in my pocket, whip at the ready (steady on now, heads out the gutter, just go with the horse analogy yeah?) turns out I was wrong , I just ended up with chapped thighs and saddle sores. The last date I had sent me screaming back to my witch cave, ego severely bruised and insecurities raging.

Let me explain.

I met a guy on Tinder, ! He was tall, bleached hair, nose ring, tattoo's, gamer, bit nerdy, (ya know the type). We chatted a bit, seemed to have a lot in common, so I thought yep lets carry this on.

Now, some red flags presented themselves early on. 1. He had a real issue about how far away we lived from one another (an hour) and kept bringing it up. 2. He confessed he was 'needy'. 3. Following an insta post I put up about Lewis Capaldi being my celebrity husband (Lewis had replied to a comment saying he loved me - LOL) his attitude and energy changed to the point where I actually sent a message saying 'look something evidently has changed here so if you don't want to continue just say...'He came back at me with some bullshit about the cost of living crisis and again bought up the distance. At this point I was out. Or so I thought...

A week went past and he was becoming a distant memory. I was out and about doing my thing, when a text flashed up from him on my phone. It was something along the lines of ' I have tried not talking to you and I'm not a fan' (I mean obviously, I'm fucking fantastic 😂)

It appears the cost of living crisis excuse had done a u turn and he now wanted to take me on a date - go figure 🤷‍♀️so I agreed. (Pro tip-never go back, not wise.)

Now due to us both having other engagements (and a life) this date couldn't happen for a couple of weeks, so we talked on the daily a lot. Now if there's one bit of advice I can give you when it comes to dating its to nail that first date in as SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. Why you ask? Because it allows for a rapport to build, for future faking to commence and a vision of a whole relationship with a person you don't know. Hands up how many of you have done this? I know I have! I really tried to rein it in this time and be present, but he made it very difficult with talks of tv shows we would watch together and lazy Sundays in bed. You start to buy into it and if you are a romantic (as I am) your head wanders off over a bridge and into a Jane Austen novel, your brain conjuring images of Darcy emerging sopping wet from a lake and proposing to you in front of Chatsworth house (no? Just me then?) Dangerous territory. I think I would prefer not talking to them until the actual date came round, but then there's the worry they will ghost/lose interest etc etc (this dating shit is hardddd man)

So off I went on this date, full of intrusive thoughts (do my eyebrows look weird, do I look fat, have I fucked up my eyeliner do I look old, yada yada, I need to pack that shit in)

We greeted each other outside the restaurant with a hug. First impressions were good, he looked like his pictures and hadn't underestimated his height (men take note, we know what 6ft looks like 🙄 if you are a hobbit we are gonna notice)

We were shown to the table in a little room called the 'snug' (Oh great). I obviously needed a wine (2) to calm the nerves. We started chatting about various subjects, but the music was a bit loud and I struggled to hear what he was saying at some points,which wasn't ideal as first dates are already awkward as fuck (change my mind)

Dinner was delicious and as we asked for the bill he pulled his wallet out - now I did offer to pay half at which he refused, if he had taken me up on it I would have been a little miffed to be honest, I am all for equality but I also like some masculinity and proof that they are willing to make the effort. No wishy washy bullshit. Far too many men these days give the bare minimum and its not good enough, this isn't high school anymore, grow the fuck up! If you are emotionally unavailable and unwilling to answer simple questions such as ' what are you looking for from a relationship' then please exit stage right and take that shit to the street, cause I ain't got time for it.

We left the restaurant and had a rather awkward hug before departing.... 🥴

I had a drive home of around 45 mins so plenty of time to ponder what had just transpired. I felt I wasn't sure about him but at the same time was open to a second date. If its one thing I have learnt from dating its that fireworks and explosive chemistry from the off usually mean RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU FUCKING CAN - (in my experience ) I am over being left hanging like a tit in the breeze (name that show) and favour reliability, stability and emotional maturity. It appears that all of these things are in seriously short supply amongst the men of this generation, they expect us to bow down and be grateful because they remembered to put the fucking toilet seat down. THE BAR IS THAT LOW.

So all these things considered I thought 'yes a second date would be good so I could be 100 percent sure, it could be a grower and that's what I am looking for ' (bit of poetry there for you) sounds reasonable right? I mean I thought so.

I texted him when I got home as he requested, and thanked him for paying for dinner. He responded with 'You are very welcome, however I think we can both agree that there just wasn't a vibe there' (or something to that effect)

Now this is where my ego went NOW HOLD THE FUCK UP A MINUTE SIR, She is beautiful, funny, interesting has her own teeth and washes regularly, how dare you say such a thing?!

All my insecurities came charging to the surface as quickly as a mento in a coke bottle. I took a minute then responded with, 'well I have learnt the hard way that when you feel electricity in the air it pretty much always leads to BAD JUJU' (not saying that's always the case but I'd say its more the rule that the exception.)

But he disagreed saying that's how he always knew it was worth pursuing (part of me wanted to say and how has that worked out for you so far? But ya know each to their own)

So that was it, no second date. I felt a bit shit for 24 hours but then gave myself a talking to. I realised it was just my ego throwing its toys out of the pram and not actually me. The reality of it is I'm not for everyone and that's totally okay! One day soon I am going to meet someone who will embrace every single part of me and love those parts unconditionally, have the willingness to grow and heal with me, the emotional maturity to face conflict head on together and ultimately make me feel safe enough to be exactly who I am supposed to be.

I am holding out for that person because I know in my heart and my gut that hes out there.