Love And Loss

Some small musings for a Sunday..

'Its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all'

Was Tennyson right? I am struggling with this concept currently.

I have both loved and lost, and in my current state of mind I am wishing I had never loved at all.

The past few months have really made me take stock of a lot of things. How I show up for people, the ways I communicate (and the ways that I don't) my innate sense to want everyone to like me and 'approve' of me, my people pleasing, my abandoment wounds and how they have ruled my subconscious for years, the deep rooted anger that I try to keep hidden, the shadow parts of myself that I have not dared uncover, the way I never feel good enough no matter what I do.

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) recent events have led me face to face with these issues, and I can no longer outrun them.

Looking in the mirror and really seeing yourself for the first time is not for the weak. I am back in therapy and I think I have finally found the therapist that is going to unlock it all.

The break up was possibly one of the hardest things I have had to go through. That and losing my best friend due to some very misguided decisions and actions that I truly wish I could take back.

Two individuals whom I loved so deeply are no longer part of my life. I'm uncertain how to move past this, but I'm trying my best.

I acknowledge that I have made mistakes, and my behavior has often been far from ideal. I take complete responsibility for my actions and am committed to improving daily. While this won't bring people back, I can at least prevent repeating the same patterns.

In the end, the person I've harmed the most through all of this is myself. I've engaged in self-sabotage and self-harm. I deserve happiness, and I need to start believing in that.

I want to be a person I can be proud of.

I want to love again, but this time, I don't want to lose it.