Back to the start, with my broken heart 💔

I wrote this a couple of months back - only feel ready to post now- in the hope it helps others.

The blog post I was really hoping I'd never have to write.

I feel like I haven’t learnt anything over the past few years, because if I had I wouldn’t be standing here holding the shards of my heart in my hands…would I? Maybe sometimes there’s just no preventing the inevitable.

Maybe I’m just being too hard on myself.

Well, as you may have guessed the relationship did not go the distance. It crashed and burned into the abyss. Against my will and out of my control.

Things had been hard, our communication styles were severely different, our attachment styles polar opposites, yet still a part of me believed we could, and would make it through.

I had been progressing well with my healing, and due to this made a faux pas in thinking I could take a hiatus from it for a few weeks (mainly due to money issues, therapy ain’t cheap!)

Erm fatal error. The brain doesn’t have a pause button. You can’t switch off the subconscious (if only). You cannot put a price on healing, it HAS to be a priority.

So it set me back, I could see the cracks appearing again. This time the impact was devastating. By the time I’d realised, it was too late, the damage was done.

I’m not placing all the blame on me, it was not just my participation that led to this outcome.

The relationship was difficult. I felt like I could never reach him, there was some impenetrable wall I just couldn't get though. I panicked and always pulled him closer when all he wanted was space. I lost myself in trying to please him. I disappeared.

I will never allow that to happen again, the pain from this break up has been unlike any other I have experienced.

He was avoidant, I was anxious. The absolute worst combination for any relationship. In hindsight it was a disaster from the start. Unfortunately I fell for him hard and that made leaving impossible.

Avoidants have it just as hard as the anxious attached. We are scared of the same thing (abandonment) but we react very differently.

They push away, we pull inwards. They push down their feelings, we feel too much.

It’s a constant push -pull dynamic. Unless both are willing to do the work, the relationship will ultimately fail.

I understand that the bridge needed to be burned, it wasn’t working the way things were. It had to change. What he didn’t realise is that I was still standing on that bridge when he set fire to it.

But as phoenix’s also do, I will rise from the ashes.

I’ve learnt some valuable lessons and this relationship has shone a light on the things I still need to heal. (see previous post)

I still love him and he will always hold a place in my heart but you cannot force someone to love you the way you want.

We triggered the fuck out of each other, and although that has it positives it unfortunately destroyed us in the process.

Walking away is the only option. With a heavy heart and very small steps.

I’m not sure how to move forward from here but with the support of my amazing family and friends I know I will get back to the happy and content person I was before all of this.

I will continue to work on myself and my healing to slay the demons that plague me still, they will not win. (again see previous post)

Who knows what may happen, only the universe has the answers to that. In the mean time I will work on being the best version of me I can be and fix my heart 💔