Life update

I'm alive!!!!!

Hello. Its been a good old while hasn't it?

What can I say, life has been somewhat fucking mental lately. 2024 did not get off to a great start, and honestly its still beating the shit out of me a little. I feel like everyone around me has been going through it lately...I am holding onto the hope that it can only get better....right?

Where to start?

My last post was all the way back in September, you may recall I had just started dating someone and my anxious attachment was all 'oh hellooooooo thereeee!'

Well, the good news is, I am still with him - I think its been nearly 8 months now.

There isn't any bad news per se but things have been somewhat shall we say difficult?

Nobody talks about just how challenging being in a healthy relationship is. I have never really experienced one, so for me its been a massive learning curve. Healthy does not equal easy, in fact I'd say its the opposite. I truly believe that romantic relationships are our greatest teachers and when we get into one thats healthy we are forced to face up to all those parts of us that are not, enabling us to shine a light onto them and start to heal. If that person is right they will meet you at where you are and grow with you from there. But its messy and it hurts, sometimes you want to run and just not have to face it. This relationship has triggered parts of me that needed attention, its made me face up to things I never would have as a single person.

Around 3 months ago we were thrust into a situation against our will and through no fault of our own, which resulted in him having to move in with me as he literally had no where else to go. I don't want to go into the details because its not my story to tell, but the basis of it is that someone he loved and trusted very much betrayed him and hurt him very badly.

At this point we had been together 5 months.... absolutely no where near ready to move in together. We had only just started to find our flow with everything after a shitty few weeks - then BOOM, yet another fucking spanner in the works (I'd say this was more of a wrench to be honest)

It was a shock to the system. Neither of us were prepared. The longest we had spent together was 2/3 days on weekends away, now all of a sudden we thrust into each others spaces, dirty laundry, bad habits, warts and all on show. There was no hiding anything. We'd had no time to plan, no time to phase this in slowly, work out was was going to go where, who was doing what chores, how we would split the bills.... not to mention the massive Husky in tow (I have 2 cats, they were not impressed)

For want of a better word it was a mess. We had no idea how to navigate this. He was bereft having just lost his home and everything he knew, along with a family member who had pretty much been his constant throughout his life.

I had lived alone for 11 years, I had my routine perfected, everything was where I wanted it, it was peaceful and my sanctuary. I could have a breakdown and no one would be any the wiser, I could scream into a pillow secure in the knowledge that no one would notice, I could cry in the bath to Taylor and not have to worry that someone could hear me. I could leave out dirty dishes. That had now all changed. It hit us like a fucking juggernaut. He had to now find a new gym, a new place to run, his friends were now miles away, his surroundings unfamiliar. Our routines would now have to somehow intertwine and we would have to think about how what we did impacted the other person. What in the fucking fuckity fuck. How was this gonna work?

At first it was a novelty, and didn't feel real I suppose. I honestly did not know how to handle myself and I guess I got carried away. I though 'woooo we can now do everything together, how fun is that?!!!' I think he initially felt the same. The reality was very different.

The thing with people is that they need space. Space to breathe, space to grow, space to process, space to just...be. We all of a sudden didn't have any, and we had both been so used to having it. I also work from home most of the time (really not helpful.)

My heart broke for him seeing him go through something so painful. I wanted to make it better, I wanted to make him feel welcome, make my home his home, be all the things he needed.... but as we all know, that is impossible. I could not and cannot fix it. I guess part of me was trying to replace the mother figure he had just lost? Which sounds fucking batshit but I am sure the therapists out there will verify there's some truth in that.

I am a fixer, (all be it a recovering one,) but sometimes you can't help but slip back into old habits. Especially when faced with something so huge.

We have had some really tough weeks. But we have also had some pretty awesome ones.

I think the main problem was that we had not implemented any boundaries - because we didn't know what the fuck they were until we entered this situation. Lines were blurred- did we cook dinner every night together or not? Go to bed at the same time? Who emptied the bins? When did we have sex? Tv on in the bedroom or not?

Things came to a head last week. It got to the point where he was considering leaving. And I totally understood why. He was so concerned about the impact on me, and our relationship. This had the potential to rip us apart.

We are very similar in so many ways, but of course we are still fundamentally different people. He needs a lot more space to decompress than I do for one, especially after social events and really needs to just be alone for a while. I'm kind of the opposite - if I feel shit or overwhelmed I want reassurance, cuddles and hair strokes, so adjusting to each others coping mechanisms hasn't been easy.

So, we formulated a plan. Boundaries have been put in place, we are going to make more effort to concentrate on pouring energy into ourselves as I think we have both been guilty of trying to pour so much into each other we forgot that we actually need to do that to be able to give our all to the relationship.

I have been so concerned about how he is and what hes thinking I have neglected myself and let all the things I do for my wellbeing, slide. So I’m making a conscious effort to get those things back.

Honestly I think if we can navigate this shit storm it will make us stronger and closer, and I think our relationship will grow and level up.

I’m committed to the cause !!!

Love you, bye