I held the gun - anxiety pulled the trigger.

Bonjour mon petites!!!!

Well, well, well, it's been a minute hasn't it.

I'm back, with some wonderful tales of life to regale you with, so pull up your big girl pants and lets goooooo.

So as you are all probably aware, I took a rather hefty break from dating, for a number of reasons. The main one being I had a fuck load of healing to do and a lot of looking inwards to focus on. It was a tough ride, as self healing often is.

It dug up many skeletons I'd rather have left six feet under and shone light into the dark crevices of my blackened soul.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I decided I would have a little look back on the dating apps, just cause ya know, FOMO. (I really had nothing to worry about- still an absolute shit show)

I swiped for what felt like hours, to no avail. Then I stumbled across a blonde haired, blue eyed Joe Alwyn look a like (the irony of this is not lost on me as I am a massive swiftie) and I thought, 'well, why not? '

Not a type I would have ordinarily gone for, but we are done with 'types' alright? Its very limiting and we are not boxing ourselves in 2023.

So I replied to the message he left on one of my prompts (this was on Hinge) and a conversation started.

It flowed and he seemed lovely, he suggested a date and boom there we had it - first date in over 12 months.

I was going on a date, with a man, who I didn't know. Cue anxiety.

Now what is not spoken about enough regarding journeys of the healing variety is the fact that the REAL test begins when you actually have to put what you have learnt into action. I hadn't really dated in 2 years ( I'd had 2 first dates in that time ) and what no body tells you is just how triggering dating is when you have an anxious attachment style (or any of the less desirable attachment styles - secure is what we all strive toward)

Dating is the only way to continue the healing and figure out what's coming up for you - so really it's gotta be done. Unless of course you are content staying single forever and living in the peaceful bubble that brings. Nothing wrong with that, it's just not a place I want to remain for the rest of my life. I love love, and I want and deserve the greatest kind, (we all do.)

So I did it. I was super nervous but the vibes I was getting off this guy were 'safe', so that helped quell the rising nausea somewhat as I headed into the place we were meeting.

It went great, the conversation flowed, he was polite, courteous, and funny with piercing blue eyes that seemed to look into my soul.

As first dates go it was a pretty successful one. I went to bed with a huge smile on my face and we'd both agreed we'd like to see each other again.

And so there it began. My anxious attachment that I had obnoxiously thought I'd conquered, popped its grimy little head out from behind the sofa. Fuck.

If any of you out there have anxious attachment, you will know just how debilitating it can be. Its a really uncomfortable place and trying to regulate it is often like trying to field a fly out of an open window, ie fucking impossible.

An unanswered text, a change in tone, reduced communication, a wrong word, is all it takes and we are off spiralling down the drain. The other issue is we always go for the avoidant, because we are drawn to them like moths to the flame.

Now this guy - this guy I am pretty sure is of a secure attachment type, which is EXACTLY the type I should be going for. but that doesn't mean that its easy and off I sail to the land of happy ever after (that place does not exist FYI) I can't very well rock up and dump out all my shit on the table in that oh so very fragile first stage of dating (I have had Tay's 'Delicate' on repeat all week) and be like 'there ya are son, get ya teeth stuck into that lot' he's gonna run - I fucking would!

I have briefly mentioned my attachment style to him and we have discussed the importance of communication as we both regard it highly on the list of non negotiable's.

I have had to stop myself going off the deep end when he hasn't texted me back within a few hours - my brain goes to very dark places whereas for him it will be an 'oh she must be busy'

The contrast is stark.

I had a meltdown at the beginning of the week when his communication really dipped. I'd convinced myself it was over and that I was never going to hear from him again. now this is partly down to the anxious attachment but also down to the many many wankers I have previously dated - all of which were avoidants (so not completely their fault - but mostly) I expect to be dropped, I expect to not be made a priority. It's madness and often becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because you let the attachment style take over.

So I did a few things here. Firstly I had the spiral - partially alone and partially to some friends, (looking at you openhouse fam) then thought okay, whats fact and what have I made up in my head as a story? Until I knew otherwise I really tried to put a positive spin on it. All easier said than done though. I guess being aware of it is a great starting point. Also I reminded myself of WHO THE FUCK I AM - which is someone worthy of love and great things. I am a god damn catch. (He texted back btw 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Getting into a relationship is where the work really starts. Conflicts will arise, wounds will be triggered, and demons will be summoned, but with the right person, real growth and healing can be achieved.

I take full responsibility for my side of the street and the garbage littering it - it's mine to sweep and clean - I am not looking to be saved or protected (or a bin man) but I do need someone supportive and secure in my corner whilst I do it.

Watch this space.

Love you bye

Lis x