4. How I found out I have anxious attachment...the hard way

It was around July/August of last year that I learnt about attachment styles. I had never heard the term prior to this and was blissfully unaware until the universe decided they were sick of my shit and refusal to listen, so sent in an atom bomb disguised as a perfectly crafted specimen of human (on the outside at least), Sneaky wanker that universe. It was the wake up call that I so desperately needed but fuck me it was the last thing I wanted.

I will give the short version of events for background purposes....to be honest this is hard to write because its delving into very vulnerable parts of me, but I feel like its all part of the healing process.

I met a guy around April time last year via Instagram, he replied to quite a few of my stories (usually involving schitts creek) and eventually it led to a date. Now I must point out that I was not in any way looking for anything (isn't that always the way) as I was still licking my wounds from a rather nasty Tinder experience (there's a special place reserved in Hell for that guy, hopefully involving his fingernails being pulled out really slowly) but me being me I thought ya know what lets go with it, what harm can 1 date do (quite a fucking lot actually...) Turned out we had been at college together and he knew a lot of the people I had hung around with back then (I couldn't remember him, but I was an ignorant 17 year old so forgive me)

It went really well, too well I think in hindsight. I thought oh my god the universe has finally delivered, my manifestations have paid off! (This train of thought can make one somewhat blinkered to the glaringly obvious red flags that said date is waving directly in your front of you like some kind of deranged matador, I would not advise it. )

We sat up talking until 3am about all kinds of things, it got deep and philosophical. The connection we had was unlike anything I had ever experienced (adding further fuel to the 'yay the universe picked me' fire) I still to this day know that I hadn't imagined that part, it was rare, I was there and I remember it all too well (to quote the Queen TS).

We had a few more dates following this one, all as great, all as intense, talks of the future were plentiful (I now know this to be future faking and love bombing, 2 massive red flags I shall not fall for again) but I was so invested and excited I just didn't even stop to consider that this wasn't real.

Anyway, all was going well, good morning texts, lots of attention, he said all the right things...then BOOM bombshell dropped, the bubble burst and everything I had been hoping for shattered in front of me. Here is where the anxious attachment kicked in - it was only because of this situation that I learnt it existed.

He withdrew from me after an incident involving his ex, which basically told me that he wasn’t over her and there were still unresolved issues. He said he needed time to think. My anxious attachment was activated, my nervous system went into panic mode and I began to display what I now know to be ‘protest behaviour’.

This included constant texts, phone calls, posting things on Instagram to get his attention etc etc. Crazy right? It did not have the desired effect (which was to get him closer again) instead it pushed him further away.

I think it was around a month later he dropped a text on me telling me he had met someone else. Well you can imagine what my reaction was to that....

I felt like I wasn't good enough, that I was the issue, I had caused this because of my 'crazy' behaviour and forced him into the arms of someone else.

His attitude to the whole thing was rather blase if I'm honest. He maintained he hadn't done anything 'wrong' and I was the one that had fucked it up - gaslighting at its best. But at the time I believed him!

I honestly don't think hes a bad guy, hes certainly very insecure under all that bravado and certainly needs some healing of his own. Hurt people, hurt people right? But it was one of the worst break ups I have ever had, probably due to the fact that it triggered all the unhealed parts of me and my wounds (some that I wasn't even aware of) were pulled open.

Well I cried, I screamed, I listened to far too much Taylor Swift convincing myself that every song she wrote was about my break up. I had many a pity party and I got very drunk on red wine with my best friends, Then I picked myself up off the floor and looked ahead.

I've found a wonderful therapist who helping me work through a lot of deeply ingrained beliefs, I also read the book Attached which quite frankly opened my eyes and made a lot of things make sense.

Upon discovering that I had an anxious attachment style (that had been formed in child hood and from two very toxic long term relationships) I realised that I wasn't crazy or psycho or any of the other terms men like to label us. I was just hurt and those hurts were very deep set.

Don't be ashamed of these attachment styles, they were formed way before we knew any better and there's little we could have done to stop it. Becoming self aware is the key and working honestly and openly to create a better you, and ultimately becoming the best version of yourself you can be.

Please reach out if you are struggling with any of this, I am always here to listen.

Some resources that have really helped me are listed below.

Open House with Louise Rumball - discusses many issues around dating and self work - also some great episodes on attachment styles and she just GETS it!

https://open.spotify.com/show/0kO8hrFFWPNHWUEMFrbr5P?si=1bb2c6526b444b2c

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ thousands of blogs that helped me, Nat is the best.

https://natashaadamo.com/ her book 'Win your break up' is also worth a read!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Attached-Identify-attachment-style-perfect-ebook/dp/B0050CJNJC This book is life changing