5. Growing pains.

No one tells you how much growth hurts. Like really fucking hurts. Its no wonder people shy away from it and would rather shove all their trauma, hurt and fucked upped-ness as far down as humanly possible (to the depths of Tartarus and beyond) because the alternative is quite frankly the equivalent of being strapped to a stretching rack, pulled in 4 different directions and being forced to listen to Ed Sheeran on repeat until your ears bleed. I should know, I have done it - I AM doing it and although I know its for my greater good it sure does suck balls.

I have digested so many self help books and podcasts these last 18 months all in the name of trying to understand myself better and to determine what makes me, me.

Its been hard facing my demons and parts of me that I would rather stayed buried six feet under.

BUT I think its working, I think I have actually learnt something from delving into all the past pain and darkness. Here's why -

A few weeks back I went on a date. The first date I have been on in 18 months, the first since having my heart shattered into shards and the first since beginning the self love and therapy journey.

It was a tinder hit (where else) courtesy of my friend Kim who took over the swiping for an evening as I was once again bored and underwhelmed by the calibre of males frequenting its pages (I was also starting to get repetitive strain in my thumb from swiping left so much😖)

We hit it off and chatted for a week or so before agreeing to meet for a coffee. This guy was hot, totally my type, long blonde hair, nose ring, tattoo's, great sense of humour.

I was relatively calm about the whole thing, wasn't really nervous or freaking out (new for me)

However on the drive there the avoidant part of me reared its ugly head. These were the thoughts I had - 'Oh I hope he doesn't turn up' 'I hope he just ghosts and blocks me' ' I hope he cancels'

WTF LISA.

Classic anxious avoidant behaviour. Wants the closeness but then freaks out and pushes it away . Fuck.My.Life.

Anyway, I put my big girl pants on, and powered through regardless of the intrusive thoughts.

I got there first so bought the coffees, as I was at the counter he walked in. He was HOT. Now something weird happened here, I felt ...nothing. No butterflies, no hot flush, no immediate need to rip his clothes off. What in the Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the wee donkey was going on?!! I was a little perturbed if I'm honest.

We sat down and started chatting, the conversation flowed easily, and we seemed to get on pretty well. Before I knew it 2 hours had passed.

As we left asked me if i wanted a hug, I was like yeah go on then, and he also gave me a very awkward kiss on the cheek 😂

I ruminated over this the whole way home, trying to make sense of how I felt, my first though was oh fuck its finally happened, my heart has frozen over and I am actually now dead inside 💀

He messaged me afterwards asking how I felt about things. He said he couldn't get a read on me at all -I asked myself was my guard up or was I just not interested?

I asked him what he wanted , he very openly and honestly told me he wasn't looking for anything serious but he was open for hanging out and FWB.

Now. This was the test. (those good ole universe tests y'all)

Old Lisa. 'Oh he doesn't mean that, I can change his mind, absolutely not an issue, I will waste years of my life trying to get this man to see my worth and break myself in the process' (been there done that and bought the holy mangled t shirt).

New Lisa. 'Hmmm this isn't what I want at all, I need to do whats right for me, I'm going to tell him that I don't want to continue.'

Shut the fucking door, what just happened ?!! I put myself first! For the first time in a long time. My self worth was finally in the driving seat, It was a very unusual feeling, but man it also felt SO GOOD! (Turns out I am not dead inside)

It appears that all the therapy and self work has finally started to pay off. I know what I want and what I don't want, I have a list of non negotiables and I have boundaries that I will not allow to be crossed. I have made a promise to myself and inner little Lisa that no matter what, I will always put us first. I am in no doubt there will be more growing pains and learning ( and being forced to listen to Ed on repeat along the way) as we are never truly done. But I am here for it because the results are truly worth it.