From Anxious To Secure. AKA the 7th circle of hell.

What a fucking journey.

Honestly not one I thought I'd ever complete. But here we are. 4 years of crying (not consistently cause that would surely be a one way ticket to the asylum) screaming at the sky, harsh lessons in love, being faced with my most damaged and scared parts, learning how to love myself and realise my self worth (that was the HARDEST thing)

an absolutely gut wrenching, devastating break up that took me to the depths, a date with a severely anxious attached person, (made me realise just how far I'd come and what its like being on the end of that) plus what felt like a million therapy sessions, endless journal entries, hours of EMDR and self hypnosis.... finally I have emerged out the other side and stepped into a more secure attachment. I couldn't believe it myself - took the test 3 times to be certain my eyes were not deceiving me. But then, it also makes sense. I have thrown everything I have into healing this, even when it hurt and felt like I was being torn apart from the inside. I carried on. I was determined to not let it be in the driving seat any longer, because it was ruining my life.

I think the moment I realised I had finally made it was when I was put into a position I'd been in before, and I chose differently - it wasn't a conscious choice either, it was automatic. I chose myself, I chose better, and I did it with conviction. No spiralling, no freaking out. I was regulated and calm.

The core of this healing was self love. Something I have struggled with my entire life. Its more than positive affirmations and liking how you look in the mirror. Its a deep unconditional love that has to come from within. It cannot come from external sources and no one else can do it for you. Relying on others to give it to you will never work. It’s an inside job. Its easy to fake but people will sense its inauthenticity. I pretended for years. But now I don't have to, I BELIEVE it.

I honestly think it was the break up that gave me the final push I needed. Proof that indeed, everything happens for a reason, even if you cannot see it at the time. I had to sink to my lowest point to be able to rise again, rediscover my magnificence and recognise the incredible being that I am and that I have always been.

Romantic love is beautiful, but the love we have for ourselves is far more valuable and important, it's the most difficult to curate but its effects are life long.

I unfortunately had to lose a love to find another - myself. And I have made a solemn vow to never ever lose her again.