11. Break ups, shake ups and how soon is too soon to move on?

I actually had a post ready to go on a completely different subject, but felt compelled to write this after discovering that quite a few people around me are currently going through break ups - which got the old cogs whirring on the subject. Some of these couples were ones I thought were end game, but I guess nothing is set in stone is it?

It got me to thinking about how I handled a couple of my break ups. (Spoiler alert - NOT WELL) I look back to my two major long term relationships (one 7 years, one 8)

In the first one I was the dumper and in the other the dumpee (I am sure there are more articulate terms) Its shit no matter what the circumstances of the break up, whether you were the one to end it or vice versa. The common denominator was that I did not take the time to grieve in either instances.

Denial was the name of the game. I refused to acknowledge the hurt that was flowing through my veins and instead opted for getting on tour buses along side getting absolutely black out fuck faced every weekend, which I think you'd agree makes for a pretty hostile healing environment. I was an absolute car wreck for a long time, getting myself into potentially dangerous situations and having little regard for my wellbeing.

I spent a good few years bouncing from shitty man to shitty man- the worst one being the situation-ship I entertained for nearly 5 years at the cost of my self worth and respect. All because I hadn't taken the time to heal myself. Now some of my issues stemmed from way before I even knew what a penis was, so the mess I found myself in was not all down to my romantic involvement with the opposite sex, but it was a huge contributor. Deep down I just wanted to be loved and was on a quest to find this at any cost. I was looking in all the wrong places.('its me. hi, I'm the problem its me' The Queen TS 👑) I needed to love myself first and shine that light inwards. Easier said than done. It's still a work in progress but I've made massive inroads.

Fast forward a few years and I would like to think I am in a much better place. The last relationship I had (if you can call it that ) was 18 months ago, but I didn't run the other way from the pain this one caused, I embraced it and some how turned pure shit into solid gold (not sure even Rumpelstiltskin can pull that one off) I found the positives and uncovered more about myself in the process, leading me being able to heal some of the deep rooted rot that had settled in to the abyss of my soul. Not too shabby huh?!

Therapy has become a familiar friend and I am about to embark on some EMDR (Eye movement desensitisation reprocessing, look it up, seriously fascinating stuff) which I am hopeful is going to smash another nail into the healing coffin. Therapy is a wonderfully positive thing, and there is no shame in reaching out for it, bottom line is , it works.

But how soon is too soon to move on? How do you know when you really are ready? Are any of us ever ready? Humans are messy and complicated, situations will trigger us, people will hurt us, risks will be taken, vulnerabilities will be exposed. The prospect of opening up to a person and putting your trust into them completely is quite frankly terrifying, but if we all waited until we were 'ready' or 'healed' no one would ever do anything. The human race would just die out and we would all be fucking miserable sat listening to Coldplay on repeat.

Hindsight has shown me that staying in these relationships would have been a huge mistake. I think in most cases we do realise this, once the lavender haze lifts and the rose tinted glasses come off. If the tower has crumbled then the foundations were shaky to begin with and now something better and stronger is able be built in its place.

We all make bad decisions, its learning from them that's the key. Even if at the time it feels like your heart has been ripped from your chest, chewed on, spat out and then dragged by hell hounds over hot coals until its an unrecognisable mangled mess. (am I right?)

To me a healthy relationship is one where you grow and heal together, you accept each other for who you are, you feel safe, empower each other as individuals, support one another when the shit hits the fan, and you have each others backs no matter what.

You could meet this person a month after your break up or 10 years, I guess there are no rules where matters of the hearts are concerned, just trust your gut and make sure you are getting into it for the right reasons.

Once again thanks for reading, it means the world 🖤

Love you byeeeee