7. Healing isn’t linear.

(Quick post whilst I am sat in the hospital waiting room )

I'm still dealing with something that to be honest I thought I'd be done with by now and its starting to get a little fucking annoying.

I think I need to be kinder to myself here though. I read something a while back about how break ups are basically a trauma, and dependent on the way shit went down it can leave you with a form of PTSD. It's 18 months since this break up happened (please go and read blog no 4 for more on this .) Most days I am absolutely fine, waltzing through life as my fabulous Morticia esque self, however there are odd days where I am a snivelling gibbering wreck and represent more Lurch than Morticia. It tends to hit me in waves and I'll get a flashback or he will pop into my head when I'm doing the most menial of tasks. I keep seeing his name everywhere and the tarot readers of tik tok tell me daily that he's 'regretful and wants to come back' (FYI I do not believe this for a second)

It's like there's still a strand of hope I am desperately clinging on to, I'm making up scenarios in my head where he's stood at my door begging me to forgive him and for us to begin anew. I know I know, it sounds like a Taylor Swift song or a Christmas Hallmark movie (do I work at a Christmas tree farm?? ) From a logical viewpoint I know it's never going to happen but there's something nagging at my gut and subconscious that just won't let me eradicate him.

This past new moon in Sagittarius I did a ritual to let go of all the residual 'stickiness' I can feel attached to me, part of which involved screaming into the heavens at my ancestors begging them to take this burden away and allow me to be free of it. Its comparable to swimming through mud with a breeze block attached to each ankle, not something I would recommend.

I feel like his energy is still linked to mine and I need to set fire to it - I think a cord cutting ritual is probably needed!

The reality is that hes swanning round with his new gf like nothing ever happened, not giving me a second thought. He maintained he had done nothing wrong and he probably still believes that to this day. I guess that's for him to settle with Queen Karma now.

I do think he was sent as a lesson and what happened sparked a massive amount of healing and deep realisations, so I suppose I can thank him for that (through gritted teeth whilst sticking pins in a poppet of him - I JOKE! Or do I...😏)

I am still healing and dealing with the fall out from this unfortunate encounter, and I can't force it or wish it to be over quicker, it just is what it is, and I am riding each wave as it comes,to the best of my ability. I am putting my trust in the universe and choosing to believe that once I am out the other side of this shit storm, things will be calmer and whats meant for me will come hurtling towards me at break neck speed.

If you are struggling,be kind and patient with yourself. Whats meant for you will never pass you by.

Better shoot, got to go and have my boob trapped in a vice ( that's a whole other post)

Love you bye.